Wednesday, February 21, 2007

The Evil Past of Grimace

Every fucking human being who have been to McDonald's would know who this purple shit is.

Yup he's Grimace. For years, I have been wondering what on earth Grimace is.

McDonald's doesn't serve anything purple so he's definitely not food based. Plus would you eat something that looks like him?

There have been many speculations and theories on what Grimace really is. Some say he's a taste bud, others say he's giant chicken nugget but the best response I got was from a McDonald's cashier. I asked her about Grimace and this is what she said.

"Ang alam ko, Ube Sundae si Grimace."

Yeah right! As if Americans have/had Ube sundae listed in their menu!

What's next? Grimace is a Puto Pumbong? Ma'am Perenya's alter ego? An anal suppository?

And how come he's called Grimace when he's always smiling?

Obviously, I'm not convinced about what the cashier told me and so I searched Grimace on the internet.

According to

"Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow who is Ronald McDonald's best friend. He's sure Ronald is the world's ultimate authority on everything. While Grimace loves all McDonald's foods, he's absolutely crazy about milkshakes. Grimace is very enthusiastic and eager to try new things. His joyous spirit helps everyone overlook the fact he's a little slow and clumsy sometimes."

A good euphemism for the word--retarded.

According to Wikipedia: "Grimace is a fantasy character, and not intended to be anything specific.

So the reason why I can't figure out what Grimace is, is because he's not meant to be anything--makes sense.

I thought that my Grimace obsession was over; until my eyes fell on to this:

"In the first cycle of McDonaldland commercials beginning in 1971, Grimace was the "Evil Grimace", with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes. After that first campaign, the character was revised to be one of the "good guys", and his number of arms was reduced to two. Today, Grimace is generally portrayed in McDonald's commercials and merchandise as a sort of well-meaning doofus, whose clumsy antics provide a comic foil to the more serious and mature Ronald McDonald." (

Why did they turn Grimace into a good guy? Maybe McDonald's was worried because with all those milkshakes, he's bound to get diabetes. Not good for marketting I would say. Think of it, he's already retarded and then he becomes diabetic. How much worse can it get? Grimace getting AIDS perhaps? Or maybe they're planning to pit Grimace against another purple monster, Barney. The Grimace Show vs Barney and Friends. That would be something! It's like Ali vs Frazier or "Hagrid" vs "Hagedorn."

McDonaldland is a scary place to live in. Nobody can eat burgers without Hamburglar stealing it.
Nobody can sip milkshakes in peace because a purple, retarded monster with six arms comes and suck the the entire thing out. How scary is that?

It seems to me that McDonald's characters are proving to be bad role models for children. Hamburglar steals burgers, the Fry Pals steals french fries and Grimace steals milkshakes.

McDonald's should emulate the goodness of Jollibees mascots: Sarah Geronimo, Kim Chiu and Gerald Anderson.

Separated at birth?

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Go Ati! Kill Koya!

In an FX again...

Ati: Kuya bayad ko po. Sa Stop and Shop lang ho. (Gives koya a P50 bill)

Koya: Eto po sukli. (Gives ati P20 bill)

Ati: Teka kuya, bakit kulang po ng P5 yung sukli ko? Stop and Shop lang po yun ha!

Poli: Ako rin po, Vicente Cruz lang po yung P50.

Koya: (flashes his sign board which says "Quiapo:Derecho"--it means that if somebody alights from the FX, the driver can't pick up another passenger to replace the one who went out.)

Ati: O! Derecho ka pala e! Bakit ka nagsakay ulit? Ang sikip-sikip o! (pointing at the man beside her)

Koya: (flashes his sign board again) Derecho nga o, kaya P30 lahat.

Ati: This is the only first time in my entire life na na-encounter ko to! Tignan mo nga o ang sikip-sikip! Isoli mo yung P5. Meron bang Derecho na nagsasakay ulit? Masama yang ginagawa niyo! I-rereport kita!

Koya: Ma'am, binubwisit niyo lang po ang sarili niyo. Umagang-umaga.

Ati: Talaga, this is the only first time in my life na nangayari to! Unfair, unfair, unfair talaga. Ang sikip!

Koya: Kung away niyo pong nasisikipan, bumili po kayo ng kotse!

Ati: Mayroon na kaming kotse! Nag-commute lang ako ngayon! Saka male-late na ako, hindi na ako makakabili ng kotse!

Passengers: (tawanan)

Koya: Kung nasisikipan ka, mag-taxi ka na lang.

Ati: Kung nanakawan mo lang din ako, dapat nag-holdapper ka na lang!

Passengers: (tawanan ulit)


Ang galing galing ni ati! Sana may punyal siya! E di sana naputol na ni ati yung pasas ni koya!

Ibang klase si ati, galit na galit na pero nagko-comedy pa rin!

Ang mga ati ang nagbibigay ng ligaya sa akin!

Idol ko na siya!

Mahal ko na siya!

Pero mas idol at mahal ko si "A@#i%"


Thursday, February 8, 2007

Little Pink Riding Hood

The morning of Feb. 8, 2007 was turning out to be normal one. Until I made the worst decision of my whole life--riding in the back seat of a Pasig-Quiapo FX.

Little did I know that there's a monster lurking inside--a fat poser.

Grrr... any kind posers make me homicidal. But what ticks me most are the pa-saucy ones.

If only I had a bamboo pole...

...and an apple.

I knew she was a CEU nursing student from the get-go as she was sporting their trademark uniform--the Little Pink Riding Hood...without the hood.

Actually she looked more like the Big Bad Wolf or the Big, Bad Chicharon.

Since when did Hippopotamuses started studying BS Nursing?

I have nothing against fat people but since she annoyed every cell and every atom in my body, I'll see to it that I make fun of her "baboyness."

I noticed that she was occupying 80% of the FX's back portion. And she still had the nerve to put her bag on the seat. I looked at the bag, then I looked at her.

"Paano niya kaya nadadala yung bag niya? Hinliliit pa lang niya, hindi na kakasya yung bag niya."

Maybe she puts her bag in her pocket. Who knows? Maybe I should have alighted at Mendiola to see.

Now I'm wondering, "What if she used a clutch bag?"I can only conclude that the bag will disappear before us once she sandwich it between her sweaty and vast armpits.

Vast is the word, a word I usually use when a Geography or History professor asks me to define what a continent is.

I sat in front of her and what a pain--literally. Her knees, which were the size of bowling balls (and just as hard), were shattering mine into pieces. I tried mightily to shift into a different position but I was stuck. So I just endure the pain...huhu nasa Pasig pa lang ako. Malayo pa ang Maynila.

She was holding a Starbucks coffee in her right hand. I was so pissed. Everytime she would sip, she'll glance at me. As if saying "Hey, derr! Luk at meeh I'm like drinking Starbucks raaay now."

I wanted to punch her face that moment, but I knew better. Punching her face means bruising my knuckles purple and blue.

After about 20 minutes, we were at the intersection of Shaw Boulevard and Lee St. I knew that there is a Starbucks at that place so I eagerly waited for her reaction. The minute we passed by Starbucks, she stared at it. As if saying "Hey derr! That's were I make bili the coffee I'm drinking raaay now."

I wanted to tell her this, "Hey derr! Gaano mo na katagal ginagamit yang baso ng Starbucks na yan? Ulul, hindi ako tanga, noong isang taon pa yang baso na yan. Nilalagyan mo lang ng tinunaw na Kopiko tuwing umaga."

Finally, she finished her coffee. Whew.

"O, itago mo na yan sa wallet mo...este bag mo. Gagamitin mo pa yan ulit bukas," I thought.

She then unsheathed what seems to be an i Pod. I swear the fucking thing was only a few inches from my face. She put the earphones on and started bobbing her head, trying too look cool. Again she started glancing at me.

"Unang-una japeyks yang i Pod mo! Siguro i Puke yan no?! Ang alam ko kasi sa ilalim sinasaksak ang jack nung earphones ng i Pod, hindi sa gilid. Saka yang screen masyadong malaki! Feeling mo hindi pa ako nakakita ng i Pod. Ulul, klasmeyt ko si Miggy. Pangalawa, yung pagtaas-baba ng ulo mo habang nakikinig ay hindi cool. Kamukha mo yung mga aso na nilalagay sa dashboard ng mga sasakyan. Sayang walang ganun itong FX, edi sana nakita mo kung ano hitsura mo."

No, I'm not bitter.

We were already in Pureza when I noticed that her bag had the familiar "LV" sign on it--Louis Vuitton.

"Woow! Louis Vuitton! May alam akong magandang brand ng bag...personalized siya kaya okay. Yung leather na gagamitin eh gawa mismo sa balat mo! Tapos yung mga butones gawa sa mga ngipin mo! Galing no? Kung interesado ka, eto calling card ko. Ako may ari nung kumpanya, ako mismo magbabalat ng mukha mo para gawing bag! Woohoo!"

Finally, it was Vicente Cruz. I got out. I got out. I GOT OUT! I never thought that I would be able to. I don't know how I got out, but I did! And that's the important thing.

I felt my oxygen level dropped drastically. The pig must've been hogging all the oxygen inside the FX.

No, I'm not bitter.