Five Ways To Kill Summer Boredom

Ugh, this vacation's been dragging on longer than the Mahabharata, and April hasn't even started yet.

Apparently, boredom also decided to take a summer vacation--in our homes--unfortunately. So, I decided to make a list on how to force boredom to check-out of our one-star hotels that we call home--prematurely.

Before you pellet me with "Haha, I'm not bored; I've got tons of things to do" statements, read this first:

You might have fun things to do NOW but it won't last until June. You might say you're not bored NOW, but let me hear you say that again comes Labor Day.

Eventually, you'll run out of things to do AND YOU WILL GET B-O-R-E-D-!

Take this list seriously. Have it printed and keep it in your pocket--you might get bored sooner than you expect.


1. Go to Quiapo and buy an avalanche of DVDs. Anime, TV series, teleseryes, whatever--it doesn't matter. Literally, abuse your eyes by watching these day and night until your DVD player spews hot gases or until your lachrymal glands spurts blood. Remember to keep a vial of Visine near you.

Pros: You get to watch episodes you missed or old animes you just miss.
Cons: Your eyesight will go from 20-20 to 150(20-20). Distributive property fellas.

2. Learn to play the piano.

Pros: With constant practice, you'll be a Chopin in no time. You'll finally be able to play Waltz in A-Flat (Opus 39 No. 15) by Johannes Brahms. Oh, you like Waltz by Hale better? Good for you.
Cons: You don't have enough moolah to have piano lessons, let alone buy a piano.

3. Lose that gut; that salbabida around your waist! Be anorexic. Instead of sweeping away bits of paper and dead insects on the floor, wolf it down for lunch.

Pros: You'll lose a lot of weight and your parents will be spending less money for food.
Cons: You'll be anorexic.

4. Pretend you're Leon Kennedy or Jill Valentine (Resident Evil). Transform your house into a zombie infested mansion or police station. Get a pellet gun and fire away at the zombies (your little brothers/sisters). Make your way to the final boss--your mom. (can be Nemesis or Veronica, depending on what installment you're in) Use the kitchen knife to have a better shot in getting a rank S in the end.

Pros: No controllers involved here; just you and your zombie-ass-kicking-skills. Plus, you get extra costumes and weapons when you beat the game.
Cons: Ink ribbons doesn't seem to work well with your PC. And to make things worse, you only have a single red herb in your inventory during your encounter with the final boss. No greens and blues to mix it with.

Sorry, Gameshark won't work.

5. Perform a neurosurgery on yourself.

Pros: By turning on your frontal lobes, you could eliminate the sense of boredom.
Cons: You die. At least it gets the job done.

I hope this list could help you get through this snooze-fest of a vacation.

Final Message: Do anything you want but apply for a summer job.

Just think of it, after we graduate, we'll be working our butts off until our hair turns salt and pepper. Plus, when we're already working, we won't be having this luxury (as boring as it is).

The irony. When you're young, you have the strength and the time but not the money. When you're working, you have the strength and money but not the time. And when you're a septuagenarian, you have the money and time but not the strength.

Forget about all the things I've written above. I'm just bored.

Mga Pinoy Rock Bands--Daw

Shitty pinoy rock bands should be annihilated because:

1. They are everywhere.
2. They produce 1,000,000,000 of their kind faster than a virus.
3. They cause ear bleeding and deafness.
4. They cause death.
5. They cause dead people to rise from their graves.

Whenever I see or worse, hear these "rock bands", I feel doing nothing but impaling my eardrums with a 10-foot long nail.

First there's Hale who can't seem to break out of their own little teeny-emo world. All of their songs sound and feel the same--only the lyrics differ. Add Champ Lui-Pio's whiny vocals which seems to come from his sinuses, and you have a song ruling the top of radio and music charts.
Hale also has a penchant for writing songs which your two-year-old brother can compose while sucking on his pacifier.

There's a blue sky waiting tomorrow
Waiting tomorrow
Shining, shimmering...

Every time I hear this song I'm always tempted to add "splendid" on that last line.

Oh, and having a squid as a drummer doesn't help.

***

Lagi na lang umuulan
Parang walang katapusan...

You saw this coming didn't you? Well how can we forget the band which got its name from no less than the amazing Filipino afternoon snack, banana cue.

CUESHE(t)! Kyushey, kyushe, kweshee...it's up to you how you pronounce their band name.

Now this is a band whose career depends on the sopport of Ati's and Koya's in every households in the archipelago through text messages they send to Myx.

The success of this band can be attributed to its handsome, sexy and charismatic lead vocalist--Jay. Behold the object of lust of all the Ati's in the Philippines...

Their songs, like all other pinoy rock bands, sounds the same. Repetitive guitar riffs, twanging sound effects, oooohhh-ing back-up singers and Ruben's vein-busting vocals (complimented of course with Jay's smooth, suave and sexy voice).

This is an example of a snail mail sent to My Myx:

hi myx viowirs and veejees. m lilibith frm the meeds quarter of a mansion in wack-wack. i wud like to rikwist the song Stay by cueshe. i didikit dis song to my amo who not yet gave me yet my swildo for the months of eeprel and mee.

pls grit my bstprend rosalie who's amo mik her it dog fod. and also to my labs Jun-Jon. i love u to d ind of my brith.

Tnx Myx. hogs and kisses.

Lilibith

PS. pls show my pickchor in your show

There are a lot more bands but this post would go on forever if I don't stop now. Rest assured, 6 Cyclemind, Sponge Cola and a pile of others are included in the list.

***

Okay, back to the topic.

Another thing I hate is the current fad of reviving old songs. It all started with Ultraelectromagnetic Jam, which should really be Ultraelectromagnetic Junk.
Fuck almost all the renditions suck!

Now, even Nora Aunor's song that goes Parang kailan lang, ang mga pangarap ko'y kay hirap abutin... is being revived.

Just shows how low the music industry is right now. They can't make decent songs so they use revivals as scapegoats. Easy production, easy success, easy money.

Now, if revivals can't be helped, at least make it as good as the original. Making it better, in my opinion, is asking for too much.

I'm waiting for a band to revive "My Way" and perform it in the UP Fair with the Sunken Garden filled with various "punx" groups such as: Punks of Antipolo, Punx of Taguig, Punks of Malabon and Rakizta ng Makati.

Whoopee! Prepare for stray bullets and bottles filled with punk pee. Whoopee! I can smell bloodshed!

I'm hoping that band would be Hale but Cueshe is not so bad.

***

The difference between the music before and the music now, is that the former is regarded as art; the latter a commodity.

Old songs until now, are being sung--and revived. The new breed of songs meanwhile only lasts until the public consumes it. Or until it reaches its expiration date.

The Day You Said Goodnaaaaaaahhhhhhhhaaaaayt!

Index on Censorship: Banned Poetry

Okay for the first time in this blog I won't be talking about sex, Starbucks or any professors. No bitterness, thrashtalking or whatever shit I did before (see "all the time").

I haven't read a great poem for a while until my wifey showed me two poems from Vol. 26 5/1997 of the book Index on Censorship: Banned Poetry edited by Peter Porter and Harriet Harvey Wood.

I thought I "should" share these two poems because they're not just good reads, they also contain fucking morals (no pun intended). Also, they're very touching (I have emotions too, you know).

I know you're all very smart people so I don't think that you would be needing any explanation for each poem.

Please read it and tell me what you think about it. Opinions are always welcome.

The Children… and my Children
by Shamih al-Qasim
translation by Abdullah al-Udhari

When children are born
They’re given names
Chosen from the treasured family tree;
Their future secured
By saving schemes
And at Christmas
And other feasts
They’re given new clothes

When my children are born
They’re greeted with affectionate tears
And the shiver of fear.
The eyes of mangy dogs
Are waiting for them
Police batons
And the longterm plans
Of the death squad
Are waiting for them.
When my children are born
Their tiny coffins are waiting for them

-------------------------------------------------------


Crazed Man in Concentration Camp
By Agnes Gergely
translation by Edwin Morgan

All through the march, besides bag and blanket
he carried in his hands two packages of empty boxes,
and when the company halted for a couple of minutes
he laid the two packages of empty boxes neatly at each side,
being careful not to damage or break either of them,
the parcels were of
ornamental boxes
dovetailed by sizes each to each
and tied together with packing-cord,
the top box with a picture on it.

When the truck was about to start, the sergeant
shouted something in sergeant’s language,
they sprang up suddenly,
and one of the boxes rolled down the wheel,
the smallest one, the one with the picture:
‘It’s fallen,’ he said and made to go after it,
but the truck moved off
and his companions held his hands
while his hands held the two packages of boxes
and his tears trailed down his jacket.

‘It’s fallen,’ he said that in evening in the queue—
and it meant nothing to him to be shot dead.

Confessions Of A Sex-Starved Hag: Sulit Meal

It was 11:46 p.m.

I was on my way home after a meeting and a tiring research work in a prestigious university in Manila when my stomach started grumbling--telling me that I haven't eaten anything since 1 p.m. So I decided to go in a nearby Ministop; thinking that maybe a quick hotdog fix will stop the gastric juices from burning my stomach.

I opened the glass door and was surprised to see that no one else was inside besides this hot cashier standing behind the counter.

"Good Evening ma'am welcome to Ministop!" The beefy-cakey cashier greeted me with a smile.

Right then and there I felt my pussy juices trickling down, wetting my panties. I was horny as hell!

"Ano po gusto ang gusto niyong bilhin?" The cashier asked.

Before giving him my order, I glanced at his name tag--Xavier.

"Uhhm, Xavier...Xavier right?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I would like to have a....uhhm... a hotdog sandwich."

"May drinks na po bang kasama yun?"

"Uhmmm...aaah...wala!"

"Bale 24 pesos po lahat."

I pulled out my wallet and handed him 1000 pesos.

I was about to make my move when...

"Ay sori po ma'am wala po kaming barya. Pwedeng pakihintay niyo po ako? Magpapalit lang po ako sa labas."

I was so pissed as I watched Xavier storm out.

I was so angry but my anger just added to my horniness. That moment, nothing can stop me from doing my deed. So went in front of the steamer, pulled the tongs and got my favorite spicy variant of the hotdog--good thing there was still one.

I slipped out of my panties and rammed the peppered hotdog inside my pussy! If felt so fucking good! The hotdog felt hot and the pepper inside it made it even hotter!

I saw a bottle of mayonnaise beside the steamer. I got it and smothered the hotdog with mayonnaise. It felt even better! The hot pepper and the creamy mayonnaise was a perfect combo. I continued hotdog fucking my pussy until I can't hold it anymore. My vaginal muscles started contracting like crazy and pussy were spewing love juices everywhere.

It was one of my greatest orgasm ever.

After the deed, I looked for the thrash can but I can't find it! There's no way I'm eating this hotdog! So as yucky as it may seem, I put the hotdog back in the steamer and cleaned myself up.

After a few minutes Xavier came back with a bag full of coins.

"Sorry po ma'am, medyo natagalan ako." Handing me my change.

"It's okay." I smiled maniacally.

As I was about to go out of the store, another woman came in.

"Good evening ma'am welcome to Ministop. Ano pong order niyo?"

"Uhh, isa ngang hotdog sandwich"

"Ano pong hotdog ma'am?"

"Aaah, ano ba pagpipilian?"

"Ma'am meron po kaming Classic, Hungarian, Barbecue saka Spicy.

"A, yung Spicy na lang..."



-Esmy Sanchez, 66 yrs old.
sent through email

Juvenile Gagopolis: Deep Shit

One sunny afternoon, Ms. Saguid my teacher in kindergarten, asked us to form a circle in the middle of the classroom.

“I’ll be explaining to you how an eclipse happens,” Ms. Saguid informed us in her door-hinge-like voice.

Because we were good children then, we obliged without making any noise as Ms. Saguid headed to the faculty room. While waiting for her, nobody dared to initiate any sort of commotion because if you get caught by the teacher opening your mouth, you wouldn’t have a star and “very good” stamped on your hand.

After the Ice Age and the Cretaceous Period ended, our teacher returned with a huge globe and a steel-cased flashlight cradled in her arms. “Wooooooooo…,” we chorused upon seeing it.

Ms. Saguid went in the middle of the circle and started blabbering about the Sun, the Earth, the Moon and her fiancé. It’s evident that my classmates are engrossed in the topic as shown by the number of opened mouths and drool on the floor I saw. They were having fun—I did not. My tummy’s rumbling vehemently. Could it be…my friend shit? I think so, because I felt someone knocking at my “rear door.”

“No, you’re not going anywhere.” I told my shit.

But later on, his knocking became louder and harder that I eventually gave in. Broooot! Brooot! I knew that situations like this must be reported to classroom authorities so I raised my hand to get my teacher’s attention.

“Ano yun Allan?” she asked.

“Ma’am natae po ako sa short,” I confessed.

“Ha? Halika nga patingin.”

I walked toward her turning my back as I reached her. She then unbuttoned my shorts and pulled my briefs down for my classmates to see my ass in full glory—smeared with yellowish, creamy shit. (Yes, I remember THAT clearly).

“Ay, natae ka na nga!” My teacher shrieked.

Ate Sally, the fat class assistant, was summoned to accompany me to the comfort room. Ate Sally grabbed me by the arm and told me “Ikaw kasi, hindi ka nagsasabi.” We went into the comfort room without releasing her vice grip on my frail arm. She then made me lose my shorts and briefs so that the “ate” in the corner could wash my shitty clothes (Believe it or not, there’s an “ate” in my former school (in Pasig) whose job is washing shitty underwear). Ate Sally told me to sit on the bowl so that I could continue my interrupted ordeal.

“Hindi na kailangan. Ubos na.” I told her.

“E kung tapos ka na edi maghugas ka na ng puwet…”

“Hindi ako marunong!” I butted in.

“Hugasan mo puwet ko!” I ordered.

This time, I was the one making the orders. I could see from her facial expressions that she didn’t like what she’s doing—who would anyway?

When I returned to the classroom, all of my classmates were staring if not laughing at me; shame on that teacher ruining a poor child’s self-esteem. As if taking a shit in your underwear wasn’t embarrassing enough, she even let my classmates see my shit covered ass. Huhu.

If you noticed, my bestfriend Shit and I are still very good friends up to now.

See Tae-xtacy, Tae-xtano

Tulong 2JRN1...

...Pakisagutan naman ang mga tanong na to para sa to sa project ko sa Statistics!
Joke! Nyahahaha! Pero dahil nandito ka na rin lang eh sagutan mo na to!

Diskleymer: Kung ikaw ay isang moral na tao, maaring laktawan mo ang mga tanong bilang 3 at 4. Kung wala ka naman nun, prends tayo.

Panuto: Piliin ang letra ng iyong sagot. Pagkatapos ay i-post sa comment ang iyong mga kasagutan. Curious ako eh. Huwag magdahilan na walang lapis at papel na malapit sa inyo. Gamitin ang kukote at buksan ang MS Word o Notepad.

1. Paano ka mag-type?
a. Ginagamit ang home-keys at ang tamang finger placement.
b. Ilalagay ang mga daliri sa home-keys pagkatapos ay magtutuldok sistem.
c. Ilalagay ang hintuturo sa ibabaw ng keyboard. Magpapaikot-ikot ang magzizig-zag ang kamay sa ere hanggang sa mahanap ang tamang letra.

2. Paano ka mag-add?
a. Syempre mental computation.
b. Nagbibilang sa daliri.
c. Like duh! Calculator kaya gamit ko!

3. Para sa mga lalaki: Paano ka magmaryang palad (sariling sikap)?
a. Isang kamay ang nakahawak sa etits.
b. Dalawang kamay ang nakahawak sa etits.
c. Nakayapos sa etits.

4. Para sa mga babae: Paano ka magmaryang palad (sariling sikap)?
a. Yuck! I'm not desperate!
b. Gulay power! Go talong! Go upo!
c. Komatsu jackhammer.

5. Paano ka tumawa?
a. Pa-tweetums
b. Parang si Adie at Aura.
c. Walang sound pero nanginginig ang buong katawan.

6. Paano ka maglaro ng isang simulation racing game (Gran Turismo etc.)
a. Ano yun?
b. Kalmadong ginagamit ang left analog stick at pinipindot ang accelerate button.
c. Sa sobrang realistic e ginagagawang manibela ang controller. Kasabay pa ang buong katawan tuwing liliko. Tapos ay sisigaw ng "Ay wrong way raw ako!"

7. Paano ka kumain ng crispylicious, juicylicious Chicken Joy?
a. Sabay na kinakain ang balat at laman.
b. Aamuyin sabay subo ng kanin.
c. Huhubaran ang manok. Lalamunin ang laman. Haharap sa katabi at marahang isusubo ang balat ng manok habang tumitirik ang mata.

8. Paano ka magre-react kapag nakita mo si Kim Chiu?
a. Bububunguin mo siya. Sabay litanya ng "Sinabi ng huwag mo akong sasalubungin e!"
b. Huhubarin ang panty o brief tapos papalagyan ng autograph.
c. "Poknat! Let's fight for our love! Maluluha sabay hugot ng tsinelas sa bulsa."

9. Paano ka maghugas ng puwit?
a. Sabon, tubig at urong-sulong movements.
b. Pinapahiran ng T-Shirt
c. Papatuyuin ang tae sa puwit hanggang maging kasing tigas ng bato.
Pagkatapos ay titibagin ng martilyo at pako.

Kung tapos ka na ay i-post mo sa comment box ang mga sagot mo.

Ang mga sasagot sa mga tanong ay mananalo ng trip sa mga piling bansa sa mundo. Ang sumusunod ay ang itinerary ng trip:

1. Madrid, Spain--Seminar about the Philippine Spanish Revolution. Ang magcoconduct ng seminar ay ang yumaong Governor-General Ramon Blanco.

2. Paris, France--Dito kayo mag-iistop over para umihi o bumili ng mga kutkutin.

3. Brussels, Belgium--Wala, daanan lang ng tren to.

4. Amsterdam, Netherlands--Isang educational immersion kasama ng mga prostitute sa red light district. (Magsawa kayo, legal ang prostitution dito)

5. Berlin, Germany--Isang seminar ulit kung saan tuturuan kayo kung paano ang tamang pagsasagawa ng tuli na "German Cut" ang istilo.

6. Geneva, Switzerland--Dadalaw sa headquarters ng Red Cross upang mag-donate ng isang baldeng dugo.

7. Mykonos, Greece--Swimming sa Mediterranean Sea.

*Habang nasa dagat tayo, lalangoy tayo hanggang makalusot tayo sa Suez Canal. Pagdating ng Red Sea, itutuloy lang ang paglangoy patungo sa Indian Ocean hanggang makarating tayo sa Cape of Good Hope sa South Africa.

8. Harare, Zimbabwe--isang feeding program at charity work kasama sina Angelina Jolie at Brad Pitt. Mag-ayos ng hitsura at magpacute baka sakaling ampunin ka nila.

*pagkatapos nun ay gagawa tayo ng balsa at magsasagwan tayo pa-timog patungong Antarctica.

9. Vostok Station, Antarctica--Pagdating doon ay sasalubungin tayo ni Jeng Geum at ng alaga niyang penguin upang magtsaa. Pagkatapos nun ay hihintayin nating matunaw lahat ng yelo sa Antarctica bunsod ng Global Warming. Para mas maganda ang view at para mas kita ang pagkatunaw ng yelo ay sa tuktok tayo ng Vinson Massif tatambay.

10. UST--Mula Antarctica, ay pupunta tayo sa UST sa pamamagitan ng pagsakay sa likod ni Babsi.

Ito ay gaganapin sa linggo. Siguraduhing 6:30 a.m. ay nasa Plaza Mayor na kayo. 7 a.m. ang alis natin. Ang balik naman natin sa UST ay mga bandang 6 p.m.