2JRN1: Were You Naughty or Nice? Or....Errrmm...Evil?

Christmas is only three days away now.

Most of you, I'm sure, are expecting some gifts in all sorts of form. From crisp paper bills and clothes to boyfriend/girlfriend.

But before salivating over I-Pod Nanos and PS3's, why don't you evaluate yourselves?

Do you deserve these gifts?

Would Santa grant your wishes?

Were you naughty or nice? Or...Errrmm...Evil?

To save your asses from the troubles of doing it yourselves, I'll do it for you. Owww, how sweet of me right?

I'll evaluate these not so random people whether they've been naughty, nice or evil. Then I'll suggest gifts most suited to them.

Ching, ching, ching! The bells have already rang. Let's start this shit!

1. Poli - This person is the epitome of goodness and generosity. Never did he make others feel bad. He always sees to it that everyone is happy. He always thinks of other's sake before his own. A very religious person; puts God in everything the does.

Assessment: Nice. This person deserves all the money and PS3's in the world this Christmas. Anything of less value (in pesos) is considered a mortal sin.

2. Hagrid - I found out that this creature is Hermione. Very, very naughty I should say. She deserves something bad this Christmas. But thanks to this creature being my partner in Social Dance. It sure compensated for all her naughtiness this year.

Assessment: Nice. As a gift, this person should transform into Hermione for real (arvee to ron). It's her lifelong dream.

3. Babsy - See No.1 of "Can You Guess Who Am I"

Assessment: Evil. As a gift, her houseband treats her to the spa. But instead of putting muds, scented oil on her tubby-lardy body, the assistant puts sugar and honey glaze. Then, she's put in a box labeled "Purefoods Super Special Fiesta Ham." You better check your fridge. If you see that your ham for this Christmas is labeled as such--you know it's her. Happy eating! Yum Yum!

4. Betsy - This person did not do anything good this year. All she did was hanky-twirling, swatting non-existent mosquitoes, curling her locks, and changing jackets everyday.

She also has a not-so-good-so-retarded koreanovela airing in GMA 7; It's called "A Rosy Life." But if you watch this koreanovela (like adie) you'll find out that Betsy's life is not rosy.

Everyday, you'll see Betsy bawling, destroying things, contemplating about her love ones, being slapped, being hoisted in a flagpole and being smacked by a sledgehammer in the skull.

And yet, she still has the nerve to be kind.

Assessment - Evil. This person deserves a good bitch slapping and a reality check this Christmas. Hey, your show is A Rosy Life and not A Shitty Life!

Another gift for her is my work dedicated to her, Bettylungenlied. (Hahaha! Sorry! I promise I'll post this soon! I don't have the effin time!)

5. Ge - This girl is a heart breaker in the least. Poor Richmond!

Assessment: Naughty. As a gift, her mother announces that she has found another man. "Honey!" her mother calls out. The door opened, then out came...Richmond! Scary!

6. Arvee aka Evil Betty - His name speaks for itself. Honestly, do you really want a description of this devil-vermin-stalker?

Assessment: Evil, evil, evil. Drown this thing in a pool of Ginebra gin. And to make his Christmas a merry one, Ginebra will lose all their matches starting next year! Yeah! Then, Caguioa will retire to settle with Madam Auring. They'll have twins; a boy and a girl. The boy's name will be Arvee; the girls name--Fantilagan.

If you're not in the list, it means your nice and I don't have enough time--again.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

The Flabby Truth

Totally fuckable...

Totally...

...scary!


I stumbled upon Chuvaness's livejournal site and found these.

Calayan and Belo have found a new rival...

...Photoshop

Say goodbye to your flabs in just a click of a mouse.

No pain and no gain?

That shit's history.

Just look at her!

No pain...

...and gained...

18M Php.

Tae-xtacy, Tae-xtano

Habang nakikinig sa talambuhay ng ang aking propesor sa Hst 102, nakaramdam ako ng isang banayad na pag-ikot sa loob ng aking tiyan “Tae. Parang matatae yata ako.”, bulong ko sa aking sarili. Di nagtagal, ang pag-ikot sa loob ng aking tiyan ay napalitan ng bayolenteng pagririgudon. Sa mga panahong ito ay hindi na ako makali sa aking silya. Nagawa ko na lahat ng posisyon at teknik upang pigilin ang nagbabadyang trahedya. Sa kabutihang palad ay naging matagumpay ako sa aking mga pinaggagawa. Salamat sa walang humpay na paglunok ng laway, pagpigil ng hininga at pagpapasikip ng butas ng puwit. “Haay! Salamat!” sabi ko sa aking sarili. Pero lingid sa aking kaalaman, ay panandaliang glorya lamang pala ang aking natamo.

Tapos na ang klase. At dahil nawala na ang sakit ng aking tiyan ay napagdesisyunan kong tumambay muna sa Central Lib upang mag-internet. Pumasok ako sa internet-an at iniabot sa babae ang aking ID. Naghanap ako ng bakanteng kompyuter na maari kong gamitin, ngunit wala pang isang minuto ay bumalik na naman ang aking kinatatakutan. Mas malupit ang pangalawang pagsalakay kumpara sa nauna. Ngayon, tila nag-aaway na ang aking mga lamang loob; sinasakal na yata ng aking maliit na bituka ang aking malaking bituka. Maya-maya pa ay nakaramdam na ako ng init sa aking tumbong—signos ng nalalapit na paghuhukom. “I can’t take this anymore”—napa-ingles tuloy ako sa aking isipan. Dali-dali kong tinayp sa Yahoo! Groups ng Partido ng mga Cute ang mga salitang “PUTA!-NATATAE-AKO!” at dali-daling umalis patungo sa banyo.

Puta! Nakalimutan kong walang pinto ang banyo ng mga lalaki sa ground floor ng Central Lib—ma-eexpose ako. Hindi na ako nagpatumpik-tumpik pa; dumiretso ako sa Main Bldg at tumungo sa banyo. Puta ulit. Break ng mga hinayupak na mga Science at Pharma. Fuckulty of Science! Fuckulty of Pharmacy! Hindi pwede dito, masyadong maraming saksi! Nag-isip ako ng mataimtim at naalala ko na may banyo nga pala sa third floor ng Central Lib, sigurado walang tao dun. Kumaripas ako ng takbo pabalik sa Lib. Hindi na ako nag-elebeytor at baka doon pa ako magsabog ng biyaya. Takbo, takbo, takbo...hingal, hingal, hingal—nasa third floor na ako.

Rumagasa ako sa loob at laking tuwa ko dahil walang tao. Pumasok ako sa cubicle, ibinaba ang aking pantalon at brip at saka umupo sa trono. Tak-tok-tak-tok...may MGA pumasok! Sa mga sandaling iyon, ipinagdarasal ko na sana ay maging tahimik ang aking ritwal. Wala sanang mga makatindig-balahibong mga tunog ang umalingawngaw habang nagriritwal ako. Kungdi, patay na. Ayoko pa namang makarinig ng mga malakas na pag-uusap na: “Pare ang baho! Umutot ka ba?” “Gago pare hindi a!” “Pare, tangina may tumatae yata.” “Saan?” “Diyan o!” (tawanan ng malakas). Salamat sa Diyos at dininig niya ang aking panalangin. Habang nagriritwal ay binasa ko ang mga vandalism sa mga pader ng cubicle na pinaghaharian ko. Sa kaliwa ay nakita ko ang cell phone number ni Jumbo Hotdog at mga malalaking larawan ng tite. Sa kanan naman ay ang e-mail add ni bi-guy at mga cellphone no ng mga gustong magpa-chupa. “Sa mga gustong magpa-chupa, eto number ko. Text niyo na lang ako kung kailan kayo pwede dito para dito na rin natin gawin” Ang scary naman...diba USTe mga kristiyano? (Ang korni mo Allan “Poli” Policarpio! Ulul ka!) Patay kayo kay Fafa St. Thomas Aquinas niyan. Sa harap ko naman ay may isang sarbey, “Tumatae ka no? Kung oo, masarap bang tumae dito?” sa ibaba nito ay may Oo at Hindi. Kinuha ko ang aking ball pen at naglagay ng stick sa tabi ng Oo. Pang labing-isa ako—ibig sabihin, may sampung estudyanteng nauna nang nagdusa. Paano pag may sensor pala ang mga inidoro dito sa USTe at lumabas ang student no at ang aking buong pangalan sa mga lobby monitor ng bawat college? Wow! Sisikat ako! Naunsyami ang pagmumuni-muni ko ng biglang may pumasok sa katabing cubicle. Narinig ko siyang nagbaba ng pantalon. Maya-maya pa ay biglang may tumunog ng “Pfffffttt...tooooooooooot. Toooot. Toot. Toooooot. Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffft. Yes! May karamay ako! Gusto kong tumalon ngunit naalala ko na may nakasabit pa palang tae sa puwit ko. Gusto kong kaibiganin yung taong tumatae rin sa katabing cubicle. Gusto kong ibahagi sa kanya ang aking mga tribulasyon at pighati ngunit napagisip-isip ko na kailangan niya ng pokus. Haay! Sa wakas at nakaraos din pero nagimbal ako sa aking napagtanto—walang tissue, walang tubig. Tenendren...Asan na yung libro ni Sir Atalia? Kailangan kong pumili ng maganda at madramang pagpapatiwakal! (Jewel in the Palace theme playing)

Flashback...

Bago ako pumunta ng Central Lib ay pumunta muna ako ng Mini-Stop sa Dapitan at bumili ng baby wipes (“beyvih wifes” kung ikaw ang Warden). Para hindi mahalata ni Cing Pei, ang maalamat na kahera/manager/janitress/security guard ng Mini-Stop Recto na na-relocate sa Dapitan, na gagamitin ko ang wipes sa pagtae ay bumili rin ako ng C2 na Forest Fruit flavor. Pagkatapos ay bumalik na ako sa loob ng campus. O, ano kayo ngayon? Akala niyo siguro gagawin ko nang pamunas ng puwit ang brip ko no?! Matalino yata ako! (Understatement yan...ride-on ka lang. Blog ko naman to eh.)

Fast Forward...

Pinunas ko ang baby wipes sa aking puwit. Kinaskas ko at kinudkod nang maigi ang aking puwit hanggang wala ng bakas ng tae ang natitira. Tinapos ko ang wipes sa inidoro at pinlas (flush) ang ebidensya. Tumayo ako at isinuot muli ang aking brip at pantalon. Binuksan ko ang pinto at lumabas ng may ngiti sa mukha. Pumunta ako sa lababo at nagsabon ng kamay gamit ang tunaw na Surf bar. Ewan ko ba, pero nararamdaman ko na ang lalaking tumatae sa tabi ng cubicle na tinaihan ko ay walang panghugas o pamunas. Kawawa naman, e may natira pa akong baby wipes kaya initsa ko sa may paanan niya ang baby wipes. Ayoko naman na ipampunas niya sa puwit ang brip niya. Baka kasi yun lang ang nag-iisang brip niya. Eh di nalintikan na. Paano pa kapag binurda pala ng nanay niya yung pangalan, tirahan at tel no sa garter ng brip niya—patay! Pag nakita yan ng mga kaaway mo, tsk-tsk—magtransfer ka na ng skul tsong. Mahal din magpa-therapy dahil sa trauma na aabutin mo. Pinulot ng lalake yung baby wipes. Nang mapagtanto niya na pwedeng ipamunas ng puwit yun ay sumigaw siya ng “Salamat, pare a! Wala pa lang tubig!”

Naks, nakatulong ako sa kapwa! Kaya siguro ako natae ay dahil alam ni God na may isang taong ungas na matatae rin pero dahil nga ungas siya, hindi siya magdadala ng kahit kendi wrapper man lang para pamunas. Itong si God naman, ako ang napiling tagapagligtas niya. Kita niyo, things happen for a reason—patay tayo diyan!

Kinagabihan ay matatae na naman ako. Nakita ko si Parpie at naisipan kong biktimahin kaya naki-tae ako sa “mansyon”. Habang nanood ng Maging Sino Ka Man (starring ang mga nagpupumiglas na “Bea Alonzo” ni Bea Alonzo) sina Oso, Lei at Parps sa labas ay todo tae ulit ako. Walang ilaw kaya nagsindi ng kandila si Parps. Romantic ang setting! Candle-lit shitting! Sa likod ko may naka-hanger na panty tapos may effects pa na artificial raindrops. Salamat sa tumatagas na kisame. Gusto ko sanang yayain ang isa sa kanila sa loob. Pwede kaming mag-date! Ako ang magbubuhos, siya ang magsasabon! Sweet no? Sino may gusto? Text niyo lang ako o kaya sabihin niyo sa akin kapag nag-comment kayo.

Eyeballs Anyone?

It seems to me that Koreans have a weird fascination about death and organ donation.

Koreanovelas offer us a myriad of genres ranging from eye-draining dramas to duck cooking (Saang sulok ng langit…Ako si Jang Geum at ito ang aking kwento. Tenendren) but no matter what the story is about, you can expect one of the leads to gasp for his last breath of air following the pronouncement of his eternal love at the series’ final episode.

Season is the most crucial part of the story and screenplay of koreanovelas as it ultimately determines the ambiance and background that will be used in which the dying would take place. If the writer decides to kill one of the leads in winter, then they (the leads) would be sprawled on the ground during a snow fall or a blizzard or with a snow-man as their background. If it happens in autumn, the leads would be sitting under a tree with dried, red leaves falling gently on the ground. In spring, they would be lying on a field of flowers with birds twittering up on the trees. Now, I haven’t seen a summer one yet, but I’m imagining (and hoping) that this would happen on Dec. 26, 2004 in either Phuket or Banda Aceh.

I want the female lead to be engulfed by the colossal tsunami while she’s frolicking on the white sand beaches in her shocking pink and neon green polka-dot bikini. The male lead, upon realizing that her beloved honeybunch has just been eaten by the ocean, dives into the raging waters because he’d rather drown and die with her than to live a solitary life. Two days later, the female lead was found flopped on the shore unconscious; gagging on sea water. Yes, she IS alive! It was later discovered that a kindhearted butanding (Butch) spotted the female lead and saved her by putting her inside the comfort of its warm belly. Unfortunately for the male lead, no marine animals were present to salvage his pathetic existence except for floating algae and plankton. Now that’s friggin awesome and fuckin tragic! I will call this koreanovela, “Endless Love LXIX: Summer Bonanza”. Ok, that was lame but at least the story’s so groundbreaking it could win the Oscar for best original story.

I don’t know why most koreanovelas end in such tragic (stupid) way. But what’s more puzzling is how the Filipino audience becomes more enthralled with the show the instant one of the leads dies at the end. Aren’t Filipinos supposed to be happy people who don’t like bad things happening to their heroes/heroines? My theory is that Filipinos are becoming fed up with our own soaps and films wherein the protagonist, after being bludgeoned by a steamroller, being trapped in a burning bus or falling into a deep crevasse somehow finds a way to survive and kick the enemy’s ass at the end. The antagonist meanwhile, after making the protagonist’s life miserable by slapping and making her sabunot repeatedly every time they meet and ramming his face in a Clorox-filled ­batya where she does her laundry (usually followed by a manic laugh) —dies in the final episode after slipping in the bathroom and smashing his skull in to the toilet bowl. Filipinos, being bombarded by the same plots since God knows when is finally getting fed up. They want something new and something fresh like—mortal lead characters.

Another bizarre feature of koreanovelas is organ donation. In rare occasions in which not one of the lead characters faces the grim ripper in the end, you can bet your asses off that one of them is going to donate one (or more) of his body organs to his lover instead. For example:

The female lead, for some unknown reason became terribly ill and as a result, turned her left eye blind. Of course, the male lead would not want this to happen to his girl so he goes to his sweetie pie’s doctor to tell him his willing to donate one of his eyes (this usually happens without the knowledge of the female lead). The following day, the doctor calls the female lead and tells her that he’s pleased to announce that they have found an organ donor. The female goes into the hospital to have her surgery scheduled. On the day of the operation, the female lead demands for his lover’s presence but to her dismay, it was not granted. After nine hours of grueling eyeball tinkering, the operation was a success.

After weeks of recovery, the female lead can see again, hurrah! She then asks to see the organ donor so that she could thank him personally. The doctors told her that the donor is in the next room. The female lead gets a basket of fruits and a bouquet of flowers that will serve as her simple thanksgiving. She sets off with a smile on her face. She’s now in front of the donor’s room. Trembling, she turns the doorknob and swings the door open. The fruits and flowers falls from her grasp. Tenendren…in front of her is her lover (duh) staring blankly at the doorstep. The female lead runs towards the male lead and bursts into tears. “Hindi mo na dapat ginawa toh!” she wailed. The male lead turns to her and whispers “Honey, ginawa ko to dahil, dahil mahal kita!” More bawling and yelping transpired. Amidst all the crying, the female lead suddenly asks, “Teka muna, kaliwang mata lang ang nabulag sa akin a?! Bakit wala na rin ang kanang mata mo?!” In a quavering voice the male lead answered, “M-may ipagtatapat ako sayo. Sana huwag kang magalit. P-pinagtaksilan kita! Yung bago kong gelpren…ano kasi…nabulag yung kanang mata niya! E, mahal ko rin kaya binigay ko na rin ang kanang mata ko!” “AMP…!” the girl screamed. Without hesitation, the girl pulled out her left eye and shoved it in her boyfriend’s mouth”

Owww. How romantic. Fuck yes!

Another example: The female lead just realized that she’s homosexual. She decides that she wants a sex change operation. You know what’s going to happen next… Scary! But what’s even scarier is that none of the leads’ bodies reject the alien organ being transplanted to them considering that the odds of two unrelated individual being 100% organ-compatible is 1:30,000. Does this mean that all Koreans have the same set histocompatibility antigens? Does this mean that all Koreans are actually just one person? Does it explain why all Koreans have Park and Kim as their family name? Does this solve the riddle on why Koreans always travel in packs? And finally, does this mean that the Korean girl who joined in the first season of Star Circle Quest is in fact none other than the great…Jang Geum! Hell, I voted like nuts for her!

Jeez, I’m now at homestretch but I still don’t know the real reason behind the Koreans’ obsession with this kind of ending (How can I when I’m not searching for the answer? Stupid me.) Maybe it’s just the same way Filipinos are obsessed about rags-to-riches storylines involving Juday or it’s just their way of manifesting their true and never-ending love.

People, enlighten me please.

If there’s one good thing about writing this it’s probably learning a very valuable lesson that falling in love to a Korean girl is not a very good idea—especially Korean girls with history of Macular Degeneration1 running in her family’s veins.

I can’t think of a good ending. I’m blaming it on Kana, the Japanese girl in the movie Hostel. I can’t get her out of my mind (Anong kanta my lyrics na ganito?)

1 Macular Degeneration is the leading cause of irreversible vision loss in the United States. This incurable condition attacks the central portion of the retina, the part of the eye that receives light patterns and transmits them to the brain.

Source: Microsoft ® Encarta ® 2006. © 1993-2005 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

Cheerio Mga Ati; Isang Kwentong Airport

My relatives from The Land Down Under had just arrived yesterday.

Cheerio!

Of course it's given that balikbayans = pasalubong.

My aunt gave me a slightly used Samsung flip phone, Canon printer and scanner as a Christmas present.

How about that bitches?!

My other aunt meanwhile, promised me a shopping spree once we start hitting the malls.

HOW ABOUT THAT BITCHES?!

***

On our way to the airport, we passed by the Villamor Airbase (naturally, since we're taking C-5). At that moment, I was half-expecting Adie to run in to the middle of the highway and shout "Poli" at the top his lungs.

The plane from Sydney should land at 5:00 p.m.; we are already in the waiting room by 4:50. My father and I went in the waiting area, bought food from Jollibee and looked for a place to sit. In front of us was a television showing the passengers emerging from the gates.

I never thought that that would be very entertaining.

Apparently, the passengers don't know that there is a camera monitoring them. So you would see people picking their noses, men adjusting their crotches and women tripping in the slanting walk way.

I was just staring at the screen and laughing my brains out; people must've thought I inhaled three boxes of ecstasy diluted in a jar of rugby.

The two ati's in front of me meanwhile, were chatting about their tribulations en route to the airport. They're from Davao according to one of the ati's. She said that she hasn't slept for almost two days now. Silence. The conversation veered abruptly towards Pinoy Dream Academy.

Ati 1:Ay naku itaga mo sa bato 'day, si Yeng ang mananalo! Aba, no. 1 sa WRR tapos no. 3 sa Love Radio ang kanta niya!

Ati 2: Oo nga! Gusto ko si Panky kahit mataba siya. Ang ganda ng quality ng boses eh.

Ati 1: Ay naku ang gwapo-gwapo talaga ni Ronnie! Crush ko siya!

Ati 2: ... oo siguradong maraming bobotong mga taga Pampanga sa kanya.

Ati 2: E si Rosita?

Ati 1: Ay naku! Nakakainis yang si Rosita na yan! Feeling! Simulang-simula pa lang ng PD-Eeeh ayoko na sa kanya! Kainis talaga!

The conversation ended when one of the Ati 1 shamelessly sang Hawak Kamay.

Laban kayo? Wala pang tulog yan ng halos dalawang araw.

While my father and I were very calm and patient, other people kept pacing back and forth and shoving their faces on the screen to see whether their relatives are about to go out. Every now and then you will hear a shriek of Ayan na! Ayan na siya! Siya yan diba? Tara na! Dali, dali, dali...

Di naman sila excited.

Most people were in their casual attire. Some looked fresh from the palengke and the construction site. But the scariest of them all are the Japayukis dressed in pink gowns with matching shades. They thought they looked great; the two ati's in front me thought otherwise.

Ang magnanakaw, galit sa kapwa magnanakaw; ang ati galit sa japayuki.

After a few minutes, a woman who looked like an OFW emerged. And from nowhere, a little bitch girl came running toward the woman. She hugged her and burst into tears. The father meanwhile walked slowly towards his wife, hugged him and made beso-beso.

Anak? Dekada '70?...Feng Shui?

Ang mga Pilipino talaga, kapag maraming taong nanonood eh nagiging mga ta-artits bigla.

I didn't realize that it was already 7:20 p.m. when my relatives started exitting Gate 2. Upon meeting them, I greeted and shook hands with them. Artista rin pala ako.

As we were walking toward our car, an ati went in the middle of the way, grabbed her camera and shouted Picture! Picture! Little did the ati know that directly behind her was a van on reverse. My father was about to signal the ati when I told him to hush. "Let the bitch die", I told him. Okay, That's not my exact words; it's more like Hayaan mong masagasaan si ati. Masyado kasing excited!

That's it for now!

My next post would probably be about my student in LTS who I think is Lucifer's daughter.

If my assumption is correct... I conclude that she is Betty's sister.