Game Over

I suck at playing Metal Gear Solid 2.

I suck so bad that I can't even go up the friggin stairs at the beginning of the game without alerting those mother-fucking guards. And before I could even draw my weapon, six of them were already shooting Solid Snake as if their chance at getting laid depended on it.

The phrase "Game Over" flashed on the screen seven times--in one hour. The bruises that my gaming ego suffered after playing/attempting to play this game is too much. I didn't want to keep on breaking my own record for the most consecutive Game Overs so I turned off my PS2.

"You're better off playing Tetris." My konsyensiya whispered.

"No!" I rebutted. "Never in a million global warming-stricken years!"

I will play and finish this game! I will start off by learning the button configuration. During those seven lame attempts, I don't fucking know which button does what so I just kept on crouching, crawling and sticking behind walls. Then, I'll keep in mind that this is NOT Resident Evil or Silent Hill in which you say hello to the enemies and blast their brains out.

I will not let a video game humiliate me ever again.

I WILL OWN THIS GAME! NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

heY!!! wHy d0 u wrtE lik dizz?

am rilly aMaZEd aT peePoL hu r aBle 2 wRTe liKe dizzz, but am evn moh aMaZEd at peeP0l hu undrStnD dizz.

Why do some people have to torture their readers by writing this way? It's fucking nauseating especially if the writer decides to use neon green as their font color (see first paragraph).

To be fair, I commend these people's impeccable shift/caps lock - finger coordination. It's hard to type in this kind of shit. It took me about 15 minutes to type the first paragraph and another five minutes to decide on what font color to use--and it doesn't even look believable.

It's a talent folks. It's either y0u hAvE it oR you don't.

I also applaud those who could understand this writing scheme. They make reading Chinese characters tantamount to reading nursery rhymes.

To give you a test on reading proficiency, let me show you pInayprIde's Blogger profile:

About Me
me? ^like's to go to SoiRee^, ^sobriquet (amp, san kaya niya to natutunan? galeng a!)--->'khen-khen' ayT hurr^, ^wiTty^, ^inDependeNt^,^bEach babe (boRacay thingy)^,^pArty GurL^,^AdventuRe gurL^, ^am not the sn0tty typE^, ^naGger (Do you nag in "this" way?)^ ^coLlecting Caps^, ^shoPping is ma Therphy^ ^bags, sAndals, qt OuTfits namE it..^, ^muZic *can'T sLeep w/Awt ma componEnt or discmAn in ma ears (You must be an elephant for being able to fit a component in your ears.)*^, ^inSomnia^, ^de jA vue^, ^Slapshock^, ^hardcoRe n Hiph0p miXed^, ^coLeecting pix^, ^cAmera adIk^, ^h8s gilberish (may word bang ganito?) people^,^kikay kit n stuFf^ ,^colLecting cElphones^, ^tXt adik^

Favorite Movies
* uh * lEt me Tnk... 2 Fast 2 FuriouS *shyet i Luv da Carz*
* honEy *k|p gRo0vin' * h)w 2 loOse a guY in 10 days
* The SweEtEst thing *wUr a Got ma so Called nAMe*
* 13 goIn' 30
* h0w 2 looSe A GuY IN 10 dAys
* Ech......

Favorite Music
* rap
* *** SPeCiaLLy hIp hOp sOUNdz***< * *** rock .....iRis * TipSy
* she.siLl. be.LoVed
* jAz da way u are
* Mah bo0o0 *mAa oo0h
* ma o0oh
* ma o0oh* nAks!
* wAg na Wag mong sasabihin
* h0LidAy iNN
* gEt LoW..bsTa iya Sang kIllerbEE ah

I'm sorry pInayprIde. You can't take this test--it's strictly for novices.

Gagopolis' Ten Sexiest Videogame Characters

Disclaimer: This list is based on the Gagopolis' preferences and fetishes. If you find yourself disagreeing vehemently with my selections, feel free to crush your nuts.

10. Aya Brea (Parasite Eve 1 and 2) -A MIST (Mitochondrion Investigation and Suppression Team) agent whose mission is to destroy Eve and its spawn of Neo-Mitochondrial Creatures before the former roasts the entire human race through spontaneous human combustion.

If you like Caucasian-Japanese girls, this one's for you!

Aya: Is it really this hot here in the Philippines? Good thing I don't have any underwear on.


9. Quistis Trepe (Final Fantasy VIII) - This Balamb Garden instructor sure knows how to teach a monster a lesson or two, thanks to her weapon of choice--the chain whip.

Poli: Instructor Trepe, I know how to make better use of your chain whip. Would you please lead me to your bedroom?
Quistis: *sighs* Sure.


8. Heather Morris (Silent Hill 3) - Heather is not your typical kitten. She looks frail and gangly. Her rack and junk aren't well stacked either. She seems, to some extent, a druggie. But the combination of all these things make her eccentrically sexy.

Heather: See the bull's eye? Shoot your load in there.


7. Kasumi (Dead or Alive series) - If you played Dead or Alive, I'm 100% sure that you're guilty about turning this option on in the options menu--the Bouncing Breasts option. Hell, I'm guilty of doing this everytime I play Dead or Alive but, who wants unmoving breasts anyway?

Who doesn't want to be with a sexy, 17-year-old ninja? She's one year underage but, but, it's almost the same as 18 right?

Right. Like I care.

Kasumi: Libreng tuli! Libreng tuli! Sinong may gusto ng libre tuli?!
Poli: Ako! Ako! Kahit tuli na ako, magpapatuli ulit ako!
Kasumi: Sugoi desu ne


6. Jill Valentine (Resident Evil 1 and 3) - Chris Redfield ought to be ashamed with himself. If I was in the first Resident Evil, I wouldn't be focusing on killing zombies and unearthing illegal experiments done by Umbrella Inc. Instead, I would be focusing on what Jill's favorite food, music, sports and positions are.

Jill: Poli, kung naging ikaw si Nemesis, hindi kita tatakasan at babarilin. Ako na ang hahabol sayo. Magpapabaril pa ako sayo!
Poli: Ako talaga si Nemesis.
Jill: Aaaaaaaayyyyy!


5. Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series) - This woman of ridiculous body-mass index, is the most successful videogame heroine of all time. She's an archaeologist venturing around the globe in search for ancient artifacts.

Her essentials during her adventures include: two pistols which she holds a la John Woo, medi paks and a pair of trusty bumpers which she uses to alleviate the shock and impact her sternum gets after jumping and holding onto ledges.

Poli: Hey, Lara can I raid your tomb?


4. Taki (Soul Calibur series) - Why wear a mask? Why cover that beautiful face? You're such a tease Taki. You didn't even bother removing your mask when we had our nookie at a certain temple rooftop.

Taki: Libreng tuli! Libreng tuli! Sinong may gusto ng libreng tuli?!
Poli: Ako! Ako! Dalawang beses na akong nagpatuli pero kung ikaw ang magtutuli, okay lang ang pangatlong beses!
Taki: Ikuso!


3. Tifa Lockhart (Final Fantasy VII) - Arguably, the sexiest Final Fantasy character ever. And who wouldn't fall for someone who's most powerful limit break is called Final Heaven?

During a battle against Ultima Weapon.
Poli: Tifa please use your limit break now! We're all low in HP.
Tifa: Okay.
Poli: What are you planning to use?
Tifa: Final Heaven.
Poli: Hey Ultima Weapon! Wanna switch places?


2. Chun-Li Xiang (Street Fighter Series) - Man, those legs! Those long, toned legs! I wouldn't mind those straddling me! Plus, her panty shots are the best. (Boo Capcom for her Alpha costume.)

Poli: *mashing the buttons in a controller*
Chun-Li: Hey, what are you doing?
Poli: *mashes the buttons in the controller even more"
Chun-Li: You're trying to make me perform a Spinning Bird Kick, don't you?
Poli: *grins*
Chun-Li: But why?
Poli: *grins maniacally*

1. Lili Rochefort (Tekken Dark Resurrection) - This 16-year-old Monegasque looks innocent on the outside--just on the outside. Her girly, prim and poised demeanor does nothing but mask the dominatrix within her. And don't you just love it when she says "Please don't tell this to my father" after she wins her matches?

Like Kasumi, she's also underage...

After a nookie...
Lili: Please don't tell this to my father...
Poli: *in a husky voice* No...I won't. One more round?
Lili: What are you talking about? I've already won two rounds!
Poli: Well, we could always adjust the number of rounds per match into five right?
Lili: Alright then. ROUND 3, FIGHT!
Poli: Whanepshet!

Oplan Tuli

The summer of 1999 is very memorable to me.

One of the reasons is that it exposed me to my meth, Tennis. Seeing the then 18-year-old and world no. 1 Martina Hingis battling both the resurgent Steffi Graf and a deranged French crowd in the final of the French Open did it for me. (Don't you just hate reading run-on sentences?)

The mayhem ended with Hingis losing and crying on her mother's shoulders. I love seeing girls cry, they're so cute when they do.

But most importantly, the summer of '99 saw the emergence of my glans penis from its cocoon--the foreskin. After 11 years of hiding, my dick head's finally free as a bird! (Pun intended.)

Summer for young women meant beaches and ballet lessons; for young men, a quick trip to the circumcision ward or the nearest Oplan Tuli program.

Unlike some of my "batch mates", I was not afraid to expose my pee-pee under the wrath of syringes, scissors, clamps and threads. I know they inject anesthesia so I didn't find anything to worry about. Also, a young female doctor conducting the ceremony certainly helped.

"Yahoo! Hindi na ako supot!" I thought after the procedure.

However, what goes on after is an entirely different story.

You see I'm a very happy person. By happy, I mean erections; I get them--a lot.

When I was in high school, I seldom recited because I get erections for no reason at all. You wouldn't want to expose your tent to your classmates do you? I would get an erection while answering an exam or while listening to class discussions (this can also be said at present). Well, my teachers are by no means ugly but they don't fucking deserve my erections.

Being a happy person, this posed as a big problem for me. Whenever I get happy, the stitched skin gets stretched. And when that happens, my eyes tear up. The more my pee-pee grows, the more tears my eyes shed(I cringe when I remember THAT feeling). It's directly proportional.

Maybe this was what they meant by the line "With great happiness comes grave pain."

To be fair, I also had some funny moments after my pee-pee was cut. I will never forget the first time I pissed after being circumcised--I aimed and missed! The moment I released my floodgates, my pee shot straight into the white tiled wall!

And so, whenever I pee, I make sure I'm two feet away from the toilet.

After a month or so, my pee-pee fully recovered. And it's not too long till I met "jack." You know "jack" right?

Maybe this was what they meant by the line "After the storm, comes a rainbow."